Sincerity
by joyofthejoui
Summary: A Shinsengumi member is caught extorting money from local shopkeepers. The consequence for his crime: Seppuku. Hijikata Toshizou and Itou Kashitarou struggle for the soul of the Shinsengumi, and Yukimura Chizuru gets caught up in the middle. (Not really gory, but the subject matter may be disturbing. It's a fic about seppuku, after all.)


**Fall 1866:**

The Shinsengumi had been at Nishi Honganji for a few months now, long enough that Chizuru supposed she should feel at home here in their new headquarters. Yet any sense of security continued to elude her. They had their own corner of the huge grounds largely to themselves, but one could never quite block out the busy monks and the visitors who came and went from the nearby temple all day long. The monks themselves were still sullenly resentful towards the Shinsengumi. Perhaps their disapproval cast the shadow that enveloped their lives here.

Or perhaps it was the pressure of guarding so many secrets. Dead to the world, and to most of the Shinsengumi, Sannan was still living here, hidden away in some back rooms with the bloodthirsty corps he shepherded. Chizuru herself was still valiantly struggling to keep up the fiction that she was a teenage boy, a page to the Vice-Commander. Meanwhile, Hijikata kept everything he could from Itou Kashitarou's ears and eyes. Itou in turn likely guarded his own secrets. No wonder the atmosphere had grown so poisonous about them.

* * *

 **1.**

In the middle of the night, Chizuru woke to loud voices. The dim moonlight shone through the screen of her room. There was an argument going on in the courtyard.

"The Commander and Vice-Commander have gone out." The voice was familiar, one of the new men, Chizuru thought, though she didn't recall the name that went with it.

"Then I need someone to bring me to them!" That was Yamazaki.

"At this hour of the night? Do you think anyone will be sober enough to listen to you? You can deliver your message tomorrow morning."

Chizuru sat up, rubbed her eyes, and began to tie her sash. There was no reason for her to go out to them. It wasn't her business what was going on. But she'd lived long enough by their sides to worry for them, and Yamazaki sounded troubled.

"I know where they are. Shimabara party." That was Okita's voice. "They asked me to go with them, but I wasn't in the mood. They won't be drunk either, you know . . ."

"Will you lead me to them, Captain?" asked Yamazaki.

Chizuru had tiptoed silently across her room and now slid open the screen a small crack. In the moonlit courtyard, she could make out three figures.

"Better be important," Okita answered.

"It is, Captain Okita. We need to get there before somebody else-"

" _Hush._ " Okita abruptly interrupted Yamazaki. He took a step suddenly towards her room "Chizuru, are you eavesdropping on us?"

"N-no!" She slid the screen further open as if to show she had nothing to hide. "The noise woke me up!"

"You're planning to come along with us to fetch the Vice-Commander?"

Chizuru felt a rush of hot blood to her cheeks. She was thankful that in the dark her face was invisible.

"Hijikata-san would _kill_ you," Yamazaki hissed at Okita.

"He could try," laughed Okita. "Go back to bed, Chizuru. You'll get a full report in the morning."

"I'm sorry, Okita-san. Take care tonight." She quickly slid the screen shut. She couldn't get back to sleep, so she lay awake and worried, waiting to hear their return.

* * *

 **2.**

Hijikata was _not_ drunk when Yamazaki and Okita found him. He was, however, annoyed to be taken from the company of the charming geisha for whom he was writing a few lines of poetry.

"What on earth are you doing here?" he snapped as soon as he and Kondou had followed Okita and Yamazaki outside into the courtyard.

"Takahashi has been taking money from shops for protection," Yamazaki replied. "He's fled the city."

"Takahashi, from the Third Unit? Are you sure?" asked Kondou, steadying himself on Hijikata's left shoulder. Kondou _had_ drank a little too much. Nothing of course compared to Nagakura or Inoue who were still inside oblivious to the disturbance, trading cup for cup.

"I'm certain, Commander," said Yamazaki.

"Let _me_ go after him, Kondou-san," said Okita.

Of course, Hijikata thought, Okita would leap at the chance of action. He had lost out on too many opportunities lately: going from one bout of illness to another. Now he seemed to be in good health, and he would be an excellent choice to bring Takahashi back.

"Wait, Souji," said Kondou. "Let Yamazaki tell his story."

"Thank you, Commander. Shinohara and I were at the Matsubaya to meet a contact. He never did show up. But the innkeeper there is a friend to us. He took us aside and asked if we knew what Takahashi was doing. Then he told us Takahashi was taking money to 'protect' shops around the district. Small places, mostly, without any important connections."

"Can you confirm the truth of these accusations?" asked Hijikata.

"Yes, Vice-Commander. The innkeeper gave us the names of a couple of the shops. We went to both places pretending Takahashi had sent us for the money."

"You say he's already fled?"

"We went back to Headquarters after that, but found he'd cleared out this morning. He must have been warned the rumours were spreading. Shinohara then went to find Itou and so I've come to find you."

"Well done, Yamazaki," said Kondou warmly.

 _Not as well as one could wish,_ thought Hijikata to himself. The Inspectors were supposed to keep an eye out for exactly this sort of bad behaviour. They had become incredibly lax in that job. He couldn't blame Yamazaki for that. He was valiantly doing the work of two or three men. But the new Inspectors: mostly Itou's men, would not undertake the painstaking labour the role required. Something had to change soon with the Shinsengumi. The regulations he had drafted were becoming a laughing stock. Worst of all, some of their best captains were the worst offenders. Nagakura and Harada were in a state of near-rebellion: ignoring his directives whenever they wanted. They went out drinking without permission and came back at whatever hour suited them. How could he ever bring Itou's men to heel with their bad example?

But at this moment, the reformation of the Inspectors was not the matter at hand. Shinohara had gone to inform his mentor Itou of Takahashi's flight. Hijikata knew instinctively that Itou would grasp at this incident as an opportunity to outflank Kondou. He'd present Takahashi's misdeeds as evidence of the Vice-Commander's failure to discipline. If Itou's men could find Takahashi and bring him back for punishment, Itou would boast to both their Aizu masters and the other members that he was the man to get things done. Kondou would be simply irrelevant.

"I may know where Takahashi's gone," said Yamazaki. "He has a woman in Fushimi. I think I'm the only one of the Inspectors who knows where she lives. If we go there quietly right away, we might take him back without any trouble."

Until that moment, Hijikata hadn't realized he was holding his breath. At Yamazaki's revelation, he let out that breath. "Very well. Souji, you have the command. Take your unit. And Saitou too, if you can find him. I don't think he's out tonight."

"Thank you, Hijikata-san. I'll bring you a present in the morning," said Okita. His eyes were sparkling, Hijikata noticed fondly. It was good to see Okita back to his old, happy self, even if it was in the midst of a crisis.

Okita and Yamazaki raced off again into the night.

"I suppose we should head back to Headquarters, Kondou-san," said Hijikata softly. "Should we bother telling Nagakura or Inoue?"

"We'll leave them a message," said Kondou. "You know they won't be any use till tomorrow afternoon."

Hijikata laughed.

* * *

 **3.**

Late in the afternoon the following day, Yamazaki returned to Headquarters to inform Kondou that Takahashi had been found.

"He didn't put up much of a fight," Yamazaki reassured Kondou, who had gathered his most trusted captains to hear the news. Chizuru knelt aside from the others, listening intently. She had not personally been invited to this conference, but she had become accustomed to sitting in on their meetings. Ever since Sannan had transformed, the Shinsengumi captains seemed completely easy with her presence. Even Hijikata must have decided by now that she was trustworthy.

"Takahashi pulled his sword on us," Yamazaki was explaining. "But Captain Okita cut him across his sword arm, and he went down immediately."

"No injuries among our men?" asked Kondou.

"Not a scratch. It was done so quickly the bystanders didn't have time to gather. I bandaged Takahashi's arm, and Captain Saitou was persuading him to walk when I left."

"This is one good piece of news. at least," said Kondou, smiling for the first time that day.

"I don't see anything to smile about," snapped Nagakura. "I presume they're bringing him back here so Hijikata can make him spill his guts?"

Nagakura had himself only arrived about an hour before and was in a bad temper. Heisuke had whispered to Chizuru that Kondou and Hijikata had left him in Shimabara to sleep off his sake. To Chizuru's eyes he didn't look much the worse for wear, but she suspected he had a terrible head-ache and was now making everyone else suffer for it.

"I will make the arrangements," Hijikata answered stiffly. "But, let me make myself clear, Nagakura. Itou's already going to lay the fault for these events at my feet. Will you as well?"

Chizuru gasped. She was aware that relations between Nagakura and the executives had been strained for some time now. He had opposed the move to Nishi-Honganji, he hated that they'd let Itou join, and she deduced from a few sour comments that he completely disapproved of the Fury Corps. Nagakura wasn't the only captain to grumble lately at Hijikata's strictness, but he might be the loudest.

Yet, at least in her hearing, Hijikata had downplayed any discontent. He'd also refused to be drawn into discussion of his intentions towards Itou's faction. Had Hijikata finally been pushed too far? Nagakura's mouth hung open in shock, as if he couldn't believe it either.

"Toshi!" Kondou cut in. "I'm sure no one is blaming you! I know there have been mistakes, but you - anyhow, I am the Commander of the Shinsengumi. I am the one at fault for this, and I will take responsibility."

"Don't say that, Kondou-san!" snapped Hijikata. "Don't ever lower yourself in front of those bastards."

"Hijikata is right," said Nagakura. "We didn't follow you all the way to Kyoto so Itou Kashitarou could walk all over us. But, Hijikata-san," he turned to face the Vice-Commander. "You might have _asked_ me to keep silent on this matter. I hope you know that any criticisms I have made were for our ears only."

Despite his calm tone, Chizuru could sense how hurt he'd been by Hijikata's words. After all, Hijikata had implied that Nagakura was untrustworthy. If only Hijikata would sense this and apologize . . . But Chizuru had never seen Hijikata back down. Nor did he now. He curtly nodded to Nagakura, saying nothing more.

"I know I can rely on all of you," Kondou broke in. "We've weathered worse storms together, eh?" The smile had returned to his face and this time Nagakura smiled back. Hijikata stared at the floor.

Kondou might have said more but for the sound of footsteps outside. A few moments later, the screen slid open and Itou Kashitarou entered, followed by his younger brother Miki Saburou, the Shinsengumi's Ninth Unit captain.

Kondou greeted them warmly and invited Itou to take his place by his side.

Itou settled himself before speaking. "Kondou-san, I was most pleased to hear of the First Unit Captain's success." He let his gaze wander over the room. "It looks as though you have the matter well in hand."

Chizuru bent her head. Since Itou had joined the Shinsengumi, she'd tried to keep out of his way, but his pest of a brother had made it his life mission to investigate and uncover her secrets. Miki had once insinuated that he knew she was a girl, and no doubt told his older brother his suspicions. She was afraid to think what sordid role Itou imagined her playing here. She also knew her presence at this meeting did not reflect well on Kondou and Hijikata.

"It is unfortunate we live in an age of such corruption," Itou intoned. "Honour and duty are so easily cast by the wayside. Does this man have any sense of honour left?"

"'We will see," Kondou replied mildly. "Those who have lost their honour may still find it in death."

"Ah. Perhaps I should offer my counsel to this troubled young man," said Itou.

"That will be unnecessary," Hijikata replied. "Captain Saitou has taken charge of him."

"Oh, has he?" Itou sounded oddly happy at Hijikata's answer. "Well then, everything is resolved satisfactorily. I trust the Kyoto Protector won't count all these recent incidents against our executives."

"Why should they?" Nagakura burst into the conversation. "The Shinsengumi's earned its keep. No one at Aizu headquarters cares what we do with a few unruly ronin."

To those who didn't know Nagakura Shinpachi well – and Itou was probably in that group – his remark might sound cruel and callous. Chizuru, however, could detect the exasperation in his reply. He was the captain who cared the most about the fates of the ronin who'd brought the Shinsengumi so far. Nagakura wouldn't oppose seppuku for Takahashi, but he'd fight to keep him from the Fury Corps.

Kondou began protesting that their Aizu superiors valued them all immensely for their loyal service. Itou then agreed with him, as if he hadn't been the first one to suggest otherwise. As the conversation continued in this nauseating fashion, Chizuru slightly raised her head to steal a glimpse at the suddenly silent Vice-Commander.

Hijikata was glaring at Itou, but he noticed Chizuru's movement, and like a hawk who's just seen a small rodent, pounced.

"Yukimura, there's surely some work you could be doing right now."

"Yes, Hijikata-san," Chizuru hastily stood up and prepared to go. The other captains were shooting her sympathetic looks. Itou was smiling.

* * *

 **4.**

Yukimura Chizuru was the least of Hijikata's problems, but she was probably the most unsolvable. A temporary arrangement in the interests of finding Doctor Koudou had turned into a permanent relationship. Most of the captains adored her; Hijikata was proud of her. But how long could they really go on like this, pretending the young woman was a teenage boy? He didn't like the way Itou looked at her. That predatory smile promised nothing good.

Hijikata didn't fear for Yukimura's physical well-being. She was well guarded by her comrades here. But sometimes it seemed they were just waiting about for Itou to use Yukimura's secret against them. A quiet word in a superior's ear about the girl the Shinsengumi officers were keeping, and they'd be in a hell of a mess.

"You look tired, Hijikata-kun." Hijikata started at the gentle voice. Wrapped in his thoughts, he hadn't heard Sannan come into the room.

"It _is_ almost time to sleep," he answered Sannan, standing up to greet him.

"Ah, so it is. I forget sometimes." Sannan was smiling. _Of course_. "You all have been busy today, haven't you?"

"You already know all about it, then." It was a statement, not a question.

"Toudou has kept me informed, yes."

Hijikata frowned. There was no reason Toudou couldn't talk to Sannan. In fact, it was a blessing Sannan still had someone as free and easy as the young captain for a friend. But some things it'd be better if Sannan didn't know about right away. This was one of them.

"You're not getting Takahashi," he said bluntly. "He'll be cutting his belly."

Sannan's smile disappeared. "I must protest. That would be a waste for the Shinsengumi."

"You'd deny this man his last chance at honour?"

Sannan's face darkened, but he answered lightly. "Certainly not, Hijikata-kun. Tell me, though. Do you think Takahashi can make the cut? You know how courage can fail the undisciplined man. Will you cut off his head anyway, or will you allow this useless man to become of some service to the Shinsengumi?"

"Service!" Hijikata scoffed. "Of what service has that unit ever been? You yourself can hardly keep them in line. You take the worst from our ranks and then expect them to rise up above their basest urges."

"Are you offering me a better alternative? One of the unit captains?"

"You bastard! How dare you suggest -"

"Perhaps it is because I am thinking of our best interests. Okita's cough does not go away. Does that bother you? You must know what that cough means."

Hijikata did, of course. His father had died of the dread disease before he was even born, but he was old enough to remember his mother''s and sister's slow, painful deaths.

"It's not tuberculosis!" he told Sannan sharply. "Souji hasn't been coughing up blood."

"I truly hope not," said Sannan. It was wonderful how his gentle smile transformed his face. Even knowing him so well, Hijikata could almost believe in Sannan's pure benevolence when he smiled. "I wish him a speedy recovery. But forgive me," he continued. "I am keeping a few vials of the Water of Life on hand for the next time one of our men is on the edge of death."

"In that case, Sannan, he must be free to make his own decision."

"Of course. I am not a monster. Or at least not a cruel one. I only take men who are already as good as dead. Like Takahashi is."

"I told you, you won't be getting Takahashi. Sure, you're right, he might take you up on your deal, but Itou's coming to witness the event."

Sannan was struck dumb by this news. He stared at Hijikata, his brow furrowed.

"Sorry you had to come all this way." Hijikata wasn't sorry at all. Of course, they had to give the Corps new recruits; the shogunate had ordered the experiments. But that didn't mean Hijikata had to like it, or not take pleasure in seeing Sannan cheated of his prey for once.

"This cannot be," Sannan spoke now with an uncharacteristic insistency. "If that man is going to attend every death from now on -"

"Who knows? What if our troops started behaving from now on? No more death sentences. How would you deal with that, eh?"

"I would give thanks for a divine miracle," Sannan replied drily.

Hijikata snorted. "You're not wrong. Itou's in our way. If it weren't for . . . circumstances, Takahashi could make a choice."

"The Vice-Commander must then alter these circumstances, hmmm? For the good of the Shinsengumi."

"Not today."

"I see. Well then, I will take my leave and let you rest. Please inform me should there be a change in the arrangements."

"I'll do that." There wouldn't be any change. He'd make sure of that.

* * *

 **5.**

Saitou was back now, with nothing to say about his mission to Fushimi. Chizuru hadn't really expected him to speak of it, nor would she ask about it. Still, Takahashi's fate hung over their heads like a dark storm cloud. She didn't know the man well, but he'd been part of Saitou's unit, and so a comrade in the patrols she'd joined with Saitou. Like many of the enlisted men, he had kept his distance from Hijikata's favoured page. The men didn't know what to make of her, and she didn't blame them. But she had seen Takahashi doing his job, protecting Kyoto alongside the others, and now it had ended like this.

Saitou this morning was training the other pages in the courtyard and Chizuru, passing through with an armful of kindling, paused to watch them. He was a patient teacher, exacting and demanding in his lessons, but Souma Kazue said that he always seemed to know exactly where his students were in their progress, where they could be pushed to further themselves or should be given some leeway. Souma did _not_ say the same about the other Shinsengumi captains, and visibly started whenever Nagakura Shinpachi called his name, so this was high praise for Saitou.

"Admiring Saitou, hmm?" Okita had come up silently behind her.

"I am admiring how well he teaches," she replied quickly.

Okita laughed, as he always did. It would have bothered her once but now that she knew him so well, it hardly registered.

"Hey, Hajime!" he called out to Saitou. "Aren't you going to practice for the big show?"

Saitou turned his head a fraction towards them, then deliberately returned to his lesson.

"What should Saitou be practicing?" Chizuru asked Okita.

"Test cutting," Okita replied. "You've seen it before. We roll up a wet straw mat around a bamboo pole, stand it up, then test our swords."

Yes, Chizuru had seen the men practice in this way. She nodded at Okita's explanation.

"Do you know why the mat must be wet?" Okita continued.

"No, I don't."

"Soggy straw has the closest texture to human flesh. The bamboo inside is like bone."

Chizuru shuddered. But it did make sense to her. "That's a good thing, then, Okita-san," she replied quietly.

"Eh? You really think so, Chizuru?" He sounded surprised.

"Yes. Instead of practicing on real people. Like crossroads killing."

Okita grinned. "Ah, you get it. Course it's not really like the real thing. If we were a bit more important, we might get to practice on criminals' corpses - Now you're turning pale."

The blood probably _had_ drained from her cheeks at the suggestion. "That may be necessary . . ." Chizuru began.

"But it's not something you should discuss with Yukimura." That was Saitou. Grateful for his interruption, she turned towards his voice. He was standing nearby, his shinai in hand. Beyond him, Souma and Nomura were practicing their swings. His eyes met Chizuru's, and he gave her a nod that was somehow very reassuring.

"You didn't answer my question, Hajime. Do you want to set up a mat?"

Saitou shook his head. "It's a clean cut with no blocking. It does not present a challenge."

Okita shrugged. "You would know, of course."

"What would Saitou know?" asked Chizuru.

She expected Okita to answer, but instead it was Saitou who spoke. "Yukimura, I have been asked to serve as second to Takahashi's seppuku." He paused, as if he wanted to say more, but could not yet find the words.

"Hajime and I are in great demand in this line of work. You can trust us not to take four or five passes hacking off your head."

"Captain Okita is exaggerating," Saitou reassured Chizuru. "It is not so common an occurrence."

"But ... " Chizuru screwed up her courage to ask. "Does it bother you? To take the life of a comrade?"

Saitou did not respond immediately. It seemed as though he was considering the question, but when he answered, he did not show any uncertainty. "It would weigh on me heavier not to stand by a comrade who is making the ultimate sacrifice of a warrior. I would hope for so steadfast a friend to be my second should I ever be given that order."

Okita smiled thinly. "That's how it should be, of course. But Chizuru, you don't have to worry. Hijikata likes you too much to ever ask you to spill your guts."

"Souji!" snapped Saitou.

"My apologies, Chizuru. You do look a little upset." Okita put his hand on her shoulder. "Hmm, promise me you won't think too much on this?"

"I'm a-all right," she stammered. "I'm n-not . . ."

"You should not have had to hear all that," said Saitou. "I am sorry, Yukimura."

"I daresay you're right," Okita replied, surprising her a little. "But Chizuru, you shouldn't forget this. It's a bloody, violent life we live here. We only have a roof over our heads because we're good at killing."

"Don't say that, Okita-san!" Chizuru blurted out. "Don't ever say that! You're not just good at ... that. You protect people. You're keeping the peace."

Okita's face lit up with a grin that caught at her heart. It was that rare genuine smile that reached his eyes, rather than staying joylessly upon on his lips. "Perhaps we are at that. We should keep you around, Chizuru. You always cheer us up."

* * *

 **6.**

The day of the seppuku, a hush fell on the busy Shinsengumi compound. Some of the men were out on patrol, a few were witnesses at the ceremony itself, but the Shinsengumi men were by and large in their rooms, quietly talking or resting. They were keeping out of the way.

Harada and Heisuke had coaxed Chizuru to come on patrol with them this morning, but she had begged off claiming a head-ache. Everyone then told her to rest and take the day off. She shouldn't worry about chores or getting ready for dinner later. Their eyes were full of unspoken concern, and her heart was torn between loving them for it and wishing she was far away from them all.

At last she promised Inoue she would rest. But sitting in her room heightened her stress. Instead, she turned to the activity that settled her feelings and thoughts best. Broom in hand, she began to sweep the front yard of the Shinsengumi's main building.

It didn't completely relieve her dark thoughts. There'd been other seppukus before, and men who'd been given the Water of Life instead. She had barely noticed them. Had she been sunk so far in her own woes that others' escaped her? Of course, the captains had shielded her from all sorts of unpleasant situations. She did understand that . . .

"Yukimura-kun!"

Chizuru jumped. The voice was not a welcome one. Miki Saburou, the Shinsengumi's ninth captain, loomed over her with a bright smile on his face.

"Does the yard really need sweeping _again_?" he demanded, gesturing to her broom. Once again, Miki was far too observant for her comfort.

"I'm carrying out the duties I've been assigned," she answered, taking a step back from him. She usually relied on Souma and Nomura to guard her from Miki's curiosity when the other captains weren't around. Where _were_ they?

"Hey, brother!" Miki called out to the other person Chizuru least wished to see. "Look whom I've found hanging around here!"

Itou Kashitarou turned from his walk, annoyance clear on his face. "Saburou, lower your voice. This is a solemn occasion. Good morning, Yukimura. We are on our way to witness a man's honourable death."

Was he boasting about that?

"The Vice-Commander doesn't ever have his page with him, huh?" Miki continued loudly as though he hadn't heard his brother's rebuke. "Don't you _want_ to become a real warrior some day, Yukimura?"

Itou sighed dramatically. "Saburou does have a point. Yukimura, you do not bring Hijikata any credit sweeping the compound at a moment like this. The Vice-Commander's page should be at his side, learning the way of the warrior."

"Hijikata-san didn't ask me-" Chizuru protested.

"How fortunate that we may make up for his slip of mind then. Come along with us, Yukimura."

Itou turned to go. Chizuru had no plan to follow him but a strong hand closed around her arm.

"Move." Miki barked.

"You're hurting me!" Chizuru protested.

His fingers dug even deeper into her arm. "Start walking then."

* * *

 **7.**

When people thought of seppuku, they imagined the elaborate, dignified doings of high-ranking samurai. Those were the seppukus in stories after all. Hijikata had never witnessed that elite ceremony, with every movement, piece of clothing, and prop imbued with meaning that gave honour to the man's rank. The men he'd made spill their guts had to make do with the clothes they lived in, and the setting was only the garden behind the barracks. There were no white curtains or elevated area. The only change to the setting was a mat for the man to kneel upon and a wide shallow hole dug for the man's head to fall into.

But this ceremony was still carried out with all the attention to honour it demanded. At its core, it was still the extreme act of sincerity a samurai undertakes. Of late, there had been more transitions to the Fury Corps than seppukus. Very few men were really _that_ brave when given the choice. Takahashi, of course, had no choice, since Itou had stuck his nose in it. But that did not diminish Takahashi's sacrifice.

There were four cushions laid out in in row for the witnesses. Hijikata knelt on his. Shimada was by his side. They were waiting for Itou and Miki to arrive. Young Souma was hovering around the scene. He was not going to be a witness, but he and Nomura had set up the cushions and mat and dug the hole. They'd been very flustered when Hijikata had arrived, apparently worried that they had set up everything wrong. It was their first time to do this for a seppuku. He'd assured them it was perfectly done, then dismissed Nomura. Souma he'd keep here for a little longer, in case they needed something else, then send him on his way.

Here came Itou, exactly on time – Hijikata had made sure to be here early – and following him– _Yukimura_? Her head hung down, hiding her face. Miki was walking by her side, a cocky grin on his.

"Yukimura-senpai?" Souma's surprised exclamation mirrored Hijikata's inner reaction. "What are you doing here?"

"I've taken the liberty of bringing along Yukimura to witness the ceremony," Itou replied. "Souma, be a dear and fetch another cushion for him."

"But Yukimura-senpai doesn't have to be here." Souma objected, and turned to Hijikata for support. "Right, Hijikata-san?"

This was Itou's revenge. He'd brought Yukimura here to get at him. It was a test, too, wasn't it? Itou was watching him with amused eyes. He must proceed carefully.

"I did not judge it necessary to have _my_ page here," he answered calmly.

Itou's smile didn't budge. "As the Shinsengumi's military advisor, I have a responsibility to educate our young charges in the way of the warrior. Yukimura is a capable young man. I have every confidence he will acquit himself well today. Are you worried he may not, Hijikata?"

 _You bastard. You want me to shield her, to go out of my way to spare my favourite. Then you'll stress that special treatment to the men you're trying to seduce away from Kondou. No, Itou. I am not going to do that for you._

"I share your confidence in Yukimura," Hijikata replied. "Souma, you may bring the extra cushion."

"But Vice-Commander!" Souma objected.

"Go find that cushion," he barked at Souma. All the blood had drained from the young man's face, but he heeded that command and left, probably cursing Hijikata to hell inside his head.

Itou and Miki took their places on their cushions. Then Itou made some inane comment about the weather co-operating, and Miki had the gall to ask if Saitou was prepared for his role. Shimada answered him that yes, Saitou had everything in hand. Good old Shimada, sparing Hijikata from having to answer. Even if the heavens fell, Shimada could be depended on to back up his commanders.

Yukimura stood silently apart from them all, her face still hidden. He did not let his gaze dwell on her, keenly aware that Itou was watching him for that.

When Souma returned with the cushion, Hijikata ordered him to place it by his side. Once he'd done this, and Yukimura had taken her place beside Hijikata, he nodded to Souma and dismissed him.

Silence fell on the garden as they waited for the condemned man to arrive.

The role of a second was not only to cut off the man's head, but to ensure the proper behaviour of his charge. Impending death made cowards of brave men. A good second would reinforce the man's will, guiding him to his end gently and firmly. For this task, there was no second as trustworthy as Saitou Hajime.

Everyone knew of horrible incidents where the second had hacked away at the dying man's neck. So, it was natural for condemned men to turn towards the Shinsengumi's best swordsmen for this purpose. Okita had served as second several times. But for a man like Takahashi, who'd done everything he could to evade justice, his own captain Saitou was the perfect second. Hijikata knew that since bringing Takahashi back to Kyoto, Saitou had given the man his time and quiet support. He'd helped write letters of farewell and settled Takahashi's financial affairs. He'd sat with him for hours, listening to his fears.

Now Saitou entered the garden with Takahashi. Behind them trailed one of the soldiers from Saitou's unit. He would be Saitou's assistant in this matter.

Saitou did not show any surprise on seeing Yukimura with them. He stood back while Takahashi came forward to kneel on the mat. He was pale, but seemed to be keeping his composure. He was wearing his best kimono today, and his hair was in a neat topknot. Near the mat were a bucket of water and a basket for the head. Saitou's assistant held the offering tray on which the dagger was kept. Everything was in perfect order to begin.

Takahashi bowed to the witnesses, then the assistant placed the tray before him. Slowly – his hands were now shaking – he pulled down his robe, then reached forward to take up the dagger.

Saitou now stepped up behind him to speak the traditional words of a second.

"I have been designated as your second. Rest assured I shall not fail you." Spoken by Saitou, the words were a guarantee.

Takahashi paused. It was excruciating to watch, waiting for him to get up the courage to continue. But at last, he put the tip of his dagger to the left side of his belly, and moving his left hand across his belly, stroked it three times. Then he drove the blade in.

The honourable samurai was supposed to cut open his stomach from side to side, then let the second cut off his head. This is how it was done by samurai in the time of the Warring States, and even now, the strongest and noblest warriors insisted on carrying this out fully. But these days, many men never even made the cut. There were many seppukus carried out where the condemned man merely touched a fan to his belly, then was beheaded.

The Shinsengumi did not allow such softness, but neither would Saitou wait for Takahashi to completely disembowel himself. It was too much to expect of the man. As previously arranged, the moment Takahashi began to pull the blade sideways, Saitou's sword swept down and cut cleanly through his neck. The head dropped down into the prepared hole. There was a minimum of blood splatter. Everything had gone as it should.

Saitou handed his sword to his assistant, who stood ready with paper to clean the blade. Then he reached down to pick up the head by its hair and displayed it to the witnesses. Takahashi's eyes were mercifully closed, his expression free of the fear that had shown in his last minutes.

Then, having performed his duties, Saitou placed the head in its basket. All was done. Souma and Nomura would return to help with the body and clean the area.

Beside Hijikata, Yukimura still knelt quietly. Hijikata stole a glimpse at her face. She was a little pale, perhaps, but not outwardly distressed. Souma had looked much worse when he'd been sent away.

Itou, of course, was the first to speak up. "Takahashi acquitted himself well, did he not?"

"He did indeed," Hijikata agreed. Itou had many faults – _so many faults_ – but in the end, he was a samurai and he did understand and respect this man's self sacrifice.

"Saitou, you carried out your role commendably," Itou continued.

"And Yukimura didn't faint," put in Miki.

"Saburou!" Itou was always scolding his brother, but he rarely sounded as genuinely appalled as he did now. "There was never any possibility of that. Yukimura-kun is a true young warrior."

Oh, so now he liked Yukimura too. Better put a stop to _that_. "Yukimura, go fetch the other pages," Hijikata ordered. "Once you've found them, you may take your leave."

Yukimura rose and bowed. "Yes, Hijikata-san."

* * *

 **8.**

He couldn't check on her right away. For nearly an hour, he was busy talking with Itou, directing Souma and Nomura, reporting to Kondou, and at last speaking quietly with Saitou, who wanted to know why Yukimura had been there, but readily accepted his Vice-Commander's explanation.

"She did handle it well," said Saitou. "Better than some of our men have."

"Yes. She did. I'll go see her now. Do you know where she is?"

"Nomura said she went to her room."

"Thank you."

He walked slowly to Yukimura's room, keeping his eye out for Itou or his lackeys. Thankfully, none appeared. Knocking at Yukimura's room, he was reasonably sure he had not been spotted.

"May I come in?" he asked.

"Yes." She answered immediately. He slid open the screen quickly and stepped into her room, pulling it shut behind him.

Yukimura had stumbled up to face him, and he realized that she was weeping. It felt as though Itou had driven a sword through his own body. He should have brought Kondou along with him. He would know how to comfort the girl. But then, Kondou wouldn't have _let_ this happen. Hijikata had chosen not to send her away, to not lose face before that bastard Itou. It seemed completely wrong that he should now be comforting her for the injury he'd done her. But he was the only one here. He pulled his pouch from his belt, removed some sheets of tissue paper and pressed them into her hand.

She sank her face into the tissue. Her shoulders heaved then fell still. They stood in silence, while he attempted to conjure up the words that could soothe her pain.

Finally, she lifted her head. She swallowed hard, trying to speak without sobbing again. "I'm sorry, Hijikata-san."

He bit his lip. Why must she always apologize? Was she even capable of doing something they would hold against her?

"You're apologizing for Itou's behaviour? Don't begin. You'll be apologizing all night and we'll both get no benefit from it." His words came out harsh and fast. Damnit, this wasn't how to console a heartbroken woman. He was supposed to have an eloquent tongue. He had always been able to express his feelings to the delight of ladies. He was a _poet_. But Yukimura demanded complete sincerity. How could he show her that?

"I understand," she said so faintly that he hardly heard her.

"Do you?"

She nodded. "You all tried to shield me. But you've been in that place many times before. I think I needed to be there once. To know."

He shook his head wearily. "That's not your burden to bear. None of this is. When we sort out this business with your father, you can go home and never look back at us."

She let out a strangled cry. Her big luminous eyes, filling again with tears, seemed to plead with him. Plead for what?

Perhaps just for the acknowledgment he'd give any of his men who'd gone through this for the first time.

"You did good, Yukimura."

A small smile crept onto her tear stained face. "Thank you, Hijikata-san."

Later, he thought, they would discuss further what had happened. Later, Souji would come and chew him out for letting this happen to her. Later, Souma and all the others would do their best to cheer her up and help her forget this experience. Later, he might have to kill Itou, and when he did, it'd be in part for what he'd done this day.

* * *

 **Author's Notes:** This fic has been five years in the writing, though most of the time it was sitting untouched in my files. During that time, I went from just having discovered Hakuouki and the Shinsengumi to becoming a full-blown Japanese history buff. It's been a great experience. (If you didn't already come to this fic from my history tumblr, you can find me on tumblr at hakuouki-history , my fandom-focused blog about the Shinsengumi and Bakumatsu history.) Funnily enough, Itou's younger brother was already a character in the original draft. _Hakuouki Shinkai_ 's characterization of Miki fit so well with this idea that it drove me to finish writing the fic. Shinkai characters Souma Kazue and Nomura Rizaburou also make appearances here.

When I first watched the Hakuouki anime, I was struck by a line in the second season, when Hijikata refers to all the men whom he made cut open their bellies for Kondou's sake. On-screen and in-game we never see Hijikata make ANYONE do that. Immediately, I wanted to write a fic about a seppuku in the Shinsengumi.

The plot here is vaguely inspired by a real historical incident, involving a Shinsengumi trooper named Shibata who fled after being found extorting money from merchants. He was pursued and brought back to to commit seppuku. The timing and details of that incident did not fit my story, so I invented my own character.

For information on the way seppuku was actually carried out, I'm indebted to Andrew Rankin's excellent book on the subject: _Seppuku, A History of Samurai Suicide_.

Please leave a comment if you read this. After being in my mind five years, I've given this story a lot of emotional energy, and it would make me very happy to see people have read it all the way through.


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